


It isn't easy

by MoonySmith



Series: As You Are [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sherlock Holmes, Established Relationship, M/M, Overthinking, Self-Doubt, Self-Pity, Unspoken Fears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:41:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonySmith/pseuds/MoonySmith
Summary: “Do you… like him?” He was afraid to listen to the answer to that.“I do. But I haven’t determined in what way yet.”The relationship between Sherlock and Greg seemed solid and stable but things changed when the fears they both carry, jealousy and self-pity, appear. Add to all this the arrival of John Watson into their lives as the tip of the iceberg.
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/Greg Lestrade
Series: As You Are [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573447
Kudos: 39





	It isn't easy

**Author's Note:**

> This had been on my draft for so looong I only wanted to share it...  
> And sorry that it's too looong, too.

It’s been two years since Sherlock and Lestrade had signed the Civil Partnership, they’ve been mostly alright, but after some failed attempts, they decided it was best for them not to live under the same roof. They thought it would change after signing it, but it didn’t, so Sherlock had been living in different flats in the past years until he met John Watson and went to live with him after one meeting only. It was hard for Greg not to feel jealous with this, he had always trusted Sherlock, but mainly because he never had to worry about anyone else before. It changed now, obviously. 

As hard as he thought it would be, it only took a few weeks since Sherlock and John had moved in together, for the doctor to invite Greg for a pint. The meeting not only helped him to get to know each other better but also to be sure that there weren’t further intentions towards his partner from the doctor, so it made Greg feel good with them living together again. And it was good for him as well, he had earned both, a friend to go with for a drink at least once a week and also someone else who would take care of Sherlock too.

Greg had asked Sherlock to tell John about them a few times before because it was the fair thing to do, they were living together and he was his friend - their friend. But Sherlock would always refuse or even ignore him when he did so. And of course, Greg wouldn’t out him like that either, but he believed that since John was now so close to them, and it was an important part of his life - or he thought so - he owed him that. They weren’t _out of the closet_ for the sake of his job only, but he didn’t believe in hiding it to their close group, even Molly Hooper knew. Although Greg knew the poor girl had a huge crush on his partner, she did know about them, so he didn’t understand why John had to be different in this matter. 

Anyway, if Sherlock didn’t want him to tell him, Greg wouldn’t betray him like that, so even if he spent a lot of time with John nowadays, he never shared with him that part of their lives and just assumed that probably John had the idea that he was married to a woman.

\--

They agreed to meet at the same bar they always went to, this night John arrived a bit later and looked nothing but tired and tensed, wearing a thoughtful expression on his face. Greg knew him well enough now to know not to ask first what was wrong and wait until he felt confident enough to tell him what was bothering him. And Greg got used to it happening whenever Sherlock did something weird and strange at the flat or during their cases.

Luckily he didn’t have to wait much with more small and awkward talks until John finally spoke, taking him by surprise in the middle of the conversation, “We kissed.” He sounded about to start panicking and it actually took Greg a moment before understanding what he had just heard.

“Sorry?”

“Yeah.” John nodded and took a big sip from his beer. “Sherlock… I… I don’t know what happened,” he started to tell him, but Greg felt like his blood had drained out of him, not much for anger from the treason itself but sadness instead. He frowned and looked down at his hand holding the glass, the gold band shining brighter on his finger now, he felt his eyes about to tear up but tried to hide it, lowering his head. John was still speaking, but he couldn’t listen to him, wondering if his relationship had come to a sudden and abrupt ending. “... and after some drinks and some chatting I leaned into him, jokingly you know, but he didn’t move or push me away, so I went for it. And we kissed. It was short… but nice? I don’t know. I’m really confused, Greg,” he said huffing, “I thought he was asexual, or something.”

 _He is_ , Greg thought. Or at least he thought he was.

“That he doesn’t feel those things.”

 _He doesn’t. But he doesn’t feel those things with me. We’ve been together for years and now he’s kissing you_ , he wanted to tell him or shout at him. He wanted to claim his place in Sherlock’s life, the place he’s been occupying for years, but he wasn’t sure it existed anymore, so he only looked up at John in shock for a bit.

John’s still speaking his thoughts out loud and how puzzled he was feeling right now, although he was trying, after a while, Greg just couldn’t pay attention to him anymore, his mind was wandering around his partnership, where did it leave it. Is it even fair for him to go to Sherlock and ask for an explication or to make a scene when it’s Greg the one who has been having sex with other people? It isn’t, at least he knew that to outer eyes it won’t be seen as conventional at all, but they weren’t that in the first place, anyway. And Greg never felt anything else about the people he slept with, he only needed the physical release from time to time. He’d never involved feelings with them, they had always been one stand nights that he met at random bars and then never saw them ever again after it. Sherlock and Lestrade never spoke about it when he started seeing other people, but Greg had always avoided bringing them to his place, and if he did, he always was very meticulous about everything they touched, cleaning everywhere so Sherlock wouldn’t notice when he visited him, and if he did, Sherlock never mentioned it. 

Maybe it was a really strange arrangement but Greg loved Sherlock so much, he never felt anything like that with anyone else. It was nothing but sex for him with them.

But what could he say about John on the other hand? He was his best friend, he already knew him very well even only after a few months since knowing each other. They live together - and he didn’t want to live with him ( _that’s not fair, Greg. You wouldn’t stand the mess and the experiments, or the fights - it was for the best_ ). But what if Sherlock felt something with the kiss? What if he experienced something else with John? Something he didn’t feel with him in all these years?

Lestrade learned some things about the grey spectrum of asexuality, and knew something about demisexuality - he even expected Sherlock to be that for a while, so what if he actually was… but with John?

“You okay, mate?” John asked once he stopped talking and Greg didn’t reply to him immediately. 

He blinked a few times and swallowed before answering. “Yeah.” Greg took another big sip of his drink, but he felt like he couldn't finish it anymore when he placed it down on the table. “Sorry, I’m just tired.” John nodded in response. “I… I don’t know what to tell you, John. Do you have feelings for _him_?”

“I… I honestly don’t know.” John was nervously laughing, “I mean, do I like him? Sure. But, it’s Sherlock, right? That’d never be normal and God knows how it would work.”

Greg mentally agreed, he knew it by firsthand.

And then the strangest thought appeared… What if Sherlock liked them both? That could be a possibility for him. So, what if now he was up for a polyamorous relationship with both of them? And at least Greg was very sure he didn't want that for him.

John kept expressing his feelings and worries, and Greg was feeling too insecure about everything around his world right now, to the point where he couldn’t stand it anymore and needed to leave as soon as possible, so he excused himself softly.

“It’s been a really long day, John. I’m sorry.”

He also let him know that he could count on him for another night if he still needed to talk about it, even when it was killing him inside, he didn’t know what else to say in return to keep the appearances, but at least John didn’t notice anything wrong and thanked him for the offer.

\--

He was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. It probably was past two am but he couldn’t sleep. His mind still was wandering around what John had told him, making the ring on his finger feeling heavier than ever while part of him wanted to take it off. He didn't, though, realizing it must be too soon.

Was it over yet? Two years of the civil partnership and everything over thanks to an army doctor?

He resisted the urge to contact Sherlock as soon as he got home, he needed to wait a bit longer. Maybe Sherlock would come to him first and confess his _mistake_ , he would let him explain himself…

Lestrade decided he’d do that. Not talking to him until he knew from his own mouth that he didn’t want to be with him anymore and that John was his everything now.

He hated himself right now, for his self-pitying because he’d known Sherlock for so long, he was sure that he wasn’t like that. He believed that Sherlock was honest, so he better wait for him to come.

\--

As expected, he barely closed an eye during the night. And the worst part was that there wasn’t a single sign from Sherlock in the next hours of the morning either. Well, he didn’t exactly expect him to, did he?

Greg was a mess the next day, and the next after that because no, Sherlock hadn’t spoken to him in those two days and although Greg was upset, he didn’t want to be the one who made the first move. He wasn’t sure if Sherlock even knew that he knew about the kiss, but he wanted to believe that he did and that he wasn’t reaching out to him cowardly. In his head the civil partnership and their relationship were already over, truth be told, he was devastated, but the sooner he got used to the idea that they were done, the better. 

He didn’t want it to affect his job, especially when another gruesome case popped up.

And even Sally wanted him to call Sherlock, and that was so rare to happen that he knew this was a hard one and Sherlock would be helpful there if he wanted them to do something quickly. 

He felt so dumb remembering this, but although they didn’t have to, they made a few silly vows during their short ceremony in the signal, it may have been stupid, really, but Greg promised that he would always call Sherlock for cases, under any circumstances no matter what happened. He promised it…

And yet, Sherlock promised to be faithful too…

He sighed before locking him inside his office to put himself together before phoning him. 

Sherlock was there with them in no time, John by his side, of _fucking_ course. Greg tried to avoid them and let them to do their job because although he hated to admit this, now more than ever, they were so good at it, together. Without him. 

The self-pity again.

He was a professional after all, so he tried to forget the whole drama for now and kept working as his duty had called him.

And he did it well for what it’s worth, but when they were done and back at his office, Sherlock was almost jumping around in excitement and he couldn’t blame him, he liked seeing him like that. He would have been smiling on another occasion even. John, on the other hand, seemed so uncomfortable to be there by his side, clenching is jaw every time Sherlock would stand close to him. He still needed to separate what was happening in their flat from their work, Greg realized.

After they were done with their statements and were back to his office again, Lestrade thanked them sincerely. Although John said goodbye shortly after that, Sherlock awaited for him.

“Are you alright?” he asked, walking straight to him.

Greg didn’t react to it immediately, he stood in front of his desk, now pretending to look for something on top of it.

“Yeah.” He didn’t look up at him, but he could feel Sherlock was gaze upon him, analysing him probably.

“Something happened,” he said.

“No,” Greg replied softly, grabbing a binder from the desk and eyeing it inside with fake interest. “John has left, shouldn't you go with him?”

“He knows the way back to the flat. Lestrade, _what_ is it?”

Greg closed the binder impulsively and held it against his chest, stepping aside and walking now to the door.

“Nothing.” He glanced at him and sighed, “I’ve got to go back to work, Sherlock…”

“No, you don’t.” Sherlock followed him and then pointed at Sally’s desk brusquely, “Donovan’s already doing the paperwork.”

Sally looked back at them when she heard her name and scowled, but Greg shook his head at her in response, trying not to alarm her, so she turned her head to his computer screen again.

“Sherlock, just leave, would you?” he murmured, not daring to look at him yet. But Sherlock was quicker and grabbed him by the chin making him look at his eyes whether he liked it or not.

It only took him a moment before Greg looked away.

Sherlock was the one moving away now.

“He… told you.”

“Of course he bloody did!” Greg yelled, regretting it immediately, covering his mouth with a hand when it wasn’t Sally the only one staring at them worriedly. “I don’t want to _talk_ about this here,” he added softly and Sherlock agreed but before giving him a choice, he was rushing towards the lift, where John was waiting it to open.

Greg cursed under his breath not sure about what Sherlock was capable of doing there. He tossed the useless binder back over the desk and took his coat quickly, excusing himself with Donovan when he passed by her desk, expecting there’ll be no scene in front of his coworkers.

“... and why did you have to tell him?” He heard Sherlock say as he approached them.

The doors opened when he arrived and Greg dragged them both by the elbow to get inside it quickly.

“We need to talk, but not _here_ ,” he demanded once they were inside, avoiding the strange looks they were receiving before the doors closed again.

They took a cab and went back to Baker Street in complete silence. By the look on John’s face, Greg noticed he was really clueless. While Sherlock seemed livid.

_How dare he?_

They didn’t disturb Mrs Hudson as they made their way upstairs through the kitchen door. John still seemed so confused, but he was the first who spoke, offering them a cup of tea that neither of them actually accepted, but he went to put the kettle on anyway.

So they were standing there, Greg by the fridge, Sherlock stayed in front of the open door and once John had taken care of the boiling water, he turned to them.

“So,” he started, clearly unsure of what situation he was in but feeling the need to rush them, so Lestrade had taken the pity on him.

“We are… together,” he blurted out softly, not daring to look up at John just yet, but he could hear the sound of surprise he let out.

“Sorry, what?”

“You heard it,” Sherlock replied rapidly, not exactly looking at him as he walked straight to Greg instead. “Lestrade, I…”

“Wait, I thought you were… I don’t know, asexual?” John commented.

“He is,” Greg responded to him, but staring directly at Sherlock’s eyes, he then raised his eyebrows and blinked unsurprised, “Or at least I thought so.”

Sherlock grimaced. “Since when is it debatable?”

“Since when do you go around snogging people?” he replied back.

"I don't go around _snogging_ people." He mocked, "I only kissed John. We were drunk and he basically offered himself…"

"Hey, I did not offer myself…" John defended himself, but both ignored him.

"I… I really don’t know what to think about it, Sherlock.” Greg looked down at his feet for a bit, feeling himself under the cold gaze of Sherlock. He wondered how long he could stand this.

"Lestrade, it was nothing."

"Then why…" He finally looked up at him and closed his mouth when he noticed this new glow in his eyes. Sherlock looked genuinely worried.

"I… I don't know. But it didn't mean anything."

"I agree to that," John interrupted once again.

He wanted to believe them, he really did, but he couldn’t help thinking about how connected they look together, how good they work when no one else is in there and he couldn't stop doubting.

Greg glanced at John then, deciding they shouldn't have this conversation in front of him, giving them both a quick nod before heading to Sherlock's room without another word.

He sat on the edge of the mattress and deduced that Sherlock was explaining something to John because he heard their voices and it was taking Sherlock a whole moment before joining him in his room.

He was offering him a cup of tea when Greg looked up at him after hearing the door being closed. He gave him a nod and wrapped his fingers around the warm mug.

“I told him about the Civil Partnership, by the way,” Sherlock said as a matter of fact when he started pacing around, “You left that out.”

Lestrade closed his eyes for a moment and tried to take a deep breath feeling the start of a headache was coming, he didn’t want to start another fight and avoided telling him that they wouldn’t have gone through this whole situation in the first place if he had told John about them before.

“I am… _sorry_?” Sherlock suddenly let out after some minutes, but it didn’t sound like he felt it or knew why it was solicited at all.

“Are you?” Greg bit the inner of his cheeks, he couldn’t believe the nerve Sherlock Holmes had sometimes.

“It was only a kiss, Lestrade. And we already told you it didn’t mean anything to us. What else do you want to know?”

“That if you go and kiss your best friend after all we’ve gone through, then what else are you capable of?” He asked hustle and nervously, and Sherlock stopped the pacing abruptly and stared at him with a scowl. “Just out of your curiosity?”

Sherlock took another step and sat beside him on the mattress, he was staring at his hands over his lap, the scowl still on his brow.

“Was that why? Curiosity?” Greg asked, easing the tone of his voice now. He wanted to understand.

“I think so.”

“Do you… like him?” He was afraid to listen to the answer to that. He was unconsciously touching the gold band with his fingers still around the forgotten mug waiting for the response. But Sherlock didn’t reply immediately so Greg turned his head to the side and found his partner expressionless. His stomach dropped.

“I do. But I haven’t determined in what way yet.”

That definitely took him aback, letting him feeling dizzy and out of breath so he closed his eyes for one moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. His throat closed and he had to swallow hard the sudden lump he felt there. 

Was this it then?

After a moment in silence and after he calmed himself down, he huffed a laugh and smirked sadly, “I’ve always feared you’d mess this somehow.”

Sherlock let out a sound of surprise, “That’s not fair.” He seemed concerned.

“I know it isn’t.” He shook his head and swallowed again. He left the cold mug over the nightstand and then got up to his feet. “I’m leaving.”

Sherlock got up with him and seemed to hesitate, eyeing down at Greg’s hand, probably wanting to grab it but fearing to do so, he stopped himself and instead he asked, “Where does it leave us?”

“I… don’t have a clue, Sherlock. But I want to go now.”

“Lestrade?”

He shook his head again and shrugged, “We can talk later… I think” Greg looked into his eyes for longer than necessary wondering if this would be the end for them.

Sherlock didn’t open his mouth whilst he left, closing the door behind him. Greg took a deep breath before noticing John was ricing from his seat and gave him an awkward look.

“Greg, I’m so sorry,” he said when Greg got a bit closer. “You know I wouldn't… If I knew…”

“I know, John”

He knew deep down that it wasn’t his fault. And part of him believed it wasn’t Sherlock’s fault either, so he wasn’t exactly sure why he suddenly felt so bitter about it all.

Greg didn’t feel like adding anything else so they gave each other their uncomfortable goodbyes and he left. He really wanted to lay down on his bed for a while, leaving this whole matter behind.

He was lying in his bed surrounded by the darkness of his room, he had already assumed he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night, too many thoughts in his head bothering him, too many questions and doubts without answers wandering inside there.

He felt guilty and stupid because he knew very well that it wasn’t fair for Sherlock if he was the one always questioning him. If it was him who had the concern that Sherlock would run and leave him.

And John seemed like a decent bloke if Sherlock decided that he actually liked him in that way. What would it be of him then? He even had the same questions he had before talking with him but now it was feeling like a proper ending and he didn’t know if they’d be able to fix it. 

He had been rolling from side to side for who knows how long until he heard some noises from the living room. And he would have been alarmed if he wasn’t already used to Sherlock picking the lock on the door of his house after all these years, even he had given him a spare key to avoid it. It was just his style, he thought. 

Greg sighed, partly relieved and partly nervous; here came the talking then and Sherlock clearly couldn’t have waited for another day to have it. Was it good? Was it bad? Was it the ending then?

He swallowed hard when he felt the footsteps finally inside his room, Greg raised a bit and leaned on his elbow to reach the lamp to turn it on, but Sherlock caught his hand first and stopped him.

 _What is it, then?_ He wanted to ask. He wanted Sherlock to give his answer soon, he needed to know it now, but he couldn’t find his voice as he felt the other one’s cold fingers entwining his and in one subtle movement, Sherlock was lying beside him on the bed. He didn’t let go of his hand and Greg thought that was a good sign. Except he couldn’t find his voice just yet.

“I shouldn’t have left you with an ambiguous answer before,” he suddenly said, his deep voice ringing inside his head for one moment and Greg wasn’t exactly sure of what he meant, but he spoke again, “No, I don’t like John in that way.”

He sighed in relief then.

“Then why…” He closed his mouth and turned his head to the side, knowing he wouldn’t be able to see the other man clearly. “Just… tell me, was I right and it was out of curiosity?”

“I think so. I didn’t exactly think of it before I was doing it. I guess I’m sorry.” And only with that, the tension between them enhanced a bit, Greg wanting to let go of his hand but Sherlock hold it tighter. “Why does it bother you so much? It’s just a kiss.”

“I…”

“You’re afraid I’d like it?” His voice sounded a bit closer now, so he guessed Sherlock turned his head to his side too.

“Yes.” He assumed there was no point in lying there.

Sherlock hummed in response but took another moment before asking, “Why is it different from what you do?”

Greg took a sharp breath and closed his mouth as he felt his stomach drop again. 

He’d thought of it before, not exactly the question itself because he was sure he wouldn’t feel anything more for anyone else, but he was afraid of Sherlock not being okay with the arrangement they had. And he recognized that he should have stopped it some time ago because it wasn’t really fair, was it? And he didn’t have the same libido he had twenty years ago, so maybe he could survive without the sex… Maybe.

“Do you… want me to stop it?” he asked.

“No.” Sherlock’s reply came without a second of hesitation. “I can’t give that to you. And… I trust you… _Greg_.”

And if he didn’t feel guilty enough before, he certainly did now. 

“I am sorry…” He sighed, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Sherlock. It’s just… I’ve never seen you like that with anyone else. You and him…”

“I’ve never had a friend before,” Sherlock whispered.

 _Shit_. He knew his partner so well now, in the present, but never thought about how lonely he must have felt some times in his life before they met. 

“I’m sorry, Sunshine.” Greg took initiative by running his thumb over the back of Sherlock's hand.

“Not your fault.”

“Still.” He smiled in the dark for no reason at all, he tried looking up at the ceiling once more but then decided to turn on his side, still holding his hand with Sherlock’s. “I’m also sorry for today… I was overthinking too much, imagining scenarios, I guess. I even thought you’d like… having sex with him instead of me.”

“Ridiculous, Lestrade.” Sherlock huffed loudly but added, “And for your information, you’re the only one I’m not having sex with.” 

Greg had to laugh with that because he was convinced that it probably sounded better in Sherlock’s head than out loud but it was sweet of him even thinking like that. Sherlock joined him laughing shortly after.

Smiling, even when he knew the other one couldn’t see him, he repeated the question Greg had left unanswered before, “So, where does it leave us?”

He felt Sherlock move by his side, mirroring his position on the bed, “The same place it was before, I hope.”

“Fine,” he said, the smile remaining on his lips yet.

“Except,” Sherlock added more serious now, “You need to trust me, Lestrade, and leave that fear of yours behind.”

“I know,” Greg replied without hesitation. “And I’m sorry. I need to change that.”

“You do,” he agreed and then shifted a bit closer to Greg’s body.

“You’re too good for me, Sunshine,” he admitted softly with a huff. “I guess that’s why it’s so hard for me to accept that you may actually…”

“Love you?” Sherlock finished the sentence when Greg closed his mouth. He heard the other man sigh and shift again on the mattress, Greg inevitably felt guilty about it. “We’ve been through it before…”

“I know…”

“If anyone should feel insecure about this relationship, it should be me, Lestrade.” He sighed again, and Greg could feel a change of weight on the bed indicating him that Sherlock was laying on his back now. 

“That’s stupid…”

“You’re the one who’s sleeping with other people…”

“I…”

“I said I trusted you because I do, Lestrade. But the fear of you meeting someone else that you might like better than me… remains there.”

“That won’t happen!” Greg let out a soft laugh and held Sherlock’s hand tighter

“You can’t know that.” 

“But I do! You know there can’t be anyone better than you…” he said half-joking, half-serious.

“Someone who enjoys sex, then…”

That was the thing, Greg reckoned.

“Then I can assure you that it won’t happen. And I’m telling you, I am confident about that.”

“But…”

“We’ve been through that, too…” Greg sighed now and moved up their hands so he could kiss tenderly the back of Sherlock’s hand. “We’re okay, Sunshine. As long as we leave our fears behind, we still can make this work, don’t you think?”

“I guess…”

“Just try not to kiss your best friend again, will you?” Greg tried to joke again, he didn’t expect Sherlock to laugh or something, but he didn’t expect him to stay silent for so long, leaving him wondering if he had fallen asleep.

“Best friend…” he repeated then.

“Yeah…” Greg tenderly stroked Sherlock’s hand, whispering, “You’ve got a best friend.”

Sherlock huffed in response but deep down, Greg knew he liked the idea of considering another human being as his best friend, and Greg was too upset himself about the idea of Sherlock falling in love with someone else, that he didn’t give it a thought about how lonely Sherlock’s life was before meeting even him. So it was a good thing John Watson came into their lives, after all.

Lestrade finally left the stress he felt he past few days to fade away as he moved closer to his partner, resting the head on his chest and letting himself to fall asleep like a baby.

**Author's Note:**

> Stupid Fact: I nearly high-fived myself when I noticed I had written, "it was only a kiss," and part inside me wanted to repeat it. Hehehe (I love The Killers, sorry)  
> And, when Sherlock says to Greg that he is _the only one he isn't having sex with_ , I remembered something like that was said in the tv series Sirens about an asexual character, and I kinda liked it so I wanted to include it.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked it!


End file.
